Interesting

That since someone stole your vote
And asked you to go to court
You slay my wife
And for your 'loss' you claim her life.

Interesting.

Someone tell me, I pray
What does my wife
Have to do with your courts
And votes?

© 2008 Otiato Opali

Moi's 'Pheuks!'

Dear Lena,

How is the afterlife my dear wife? I am writing you this letter because I am happy beyond words. We made it again! Sad thing is Giddy lost his seat, the rest of my people were mercilessly floored and The Rift valley rejected me. Despite all this, the man they call man Agwambo was stopped yet again.

I chose to send you this letter because I could not think of anyone else to share my predicament with. The whole world knows how aloof I was while I was still the president of Kenya. I also happened to make more enemies than friends during my tenure courtesy of my use and dump policies so I am left with no one else to talk to. Just hear me out like a friend would hear out a friend. I know you envy the way Kibaki allows his wife to talk too much and wield a lot of power and you wish I would have done the same with you but that is in the past. Let’s bury the hatchet and just hear me out.

During my tenure, some not-so-good things happened. You remember the slightly over Kshs. 100 billion that found its way into my bank accounts abroad? Some people calling themselves Kroll have sniffed this out. Had Uhuru Kenyatta, my protégé and puppet, made it to Statehouse, none of this would be worrying me.When Kibaki became president, I was so worried that he would scathingly launch an assault into my past over-indulgences. However, this man had been my vice president for ten years and there was no way he would humiliate me to that extent. He had himself dipped his hand into the candy jar while he was my vice president and all the years he had been in government since our independence. I used to bait them with this or that here or there and they were all part of my choreography. Kibaki had also sat and watched as his buddies emptied public coffers during his presidency. He therefore had to scratch my back the way he expected his to be scratched when his own retirement came.

But there is this man Agwambo. In the first place, had it not been for him, Uhuru would have been president. The whole world knows by now how he single handedly brought down KANU, a party that had for forty years ruled Kenya with impunity. Since it was he who helped Kibaki in becoming president, (Kibaki had made two miserable attempts in the past) he tried to put pressure on Kibaki to have me investigated. Kibaki on his part distanced himself from Agwambo and surrounded himself with people who were concerned with ‘eating’ as Lina Jebii Kilimo, an outgoing Member of Parliament, put it. 

Kibaki having adopted this strategy, I retired into enjoying my retirement. One area in which Kibaki managed to beat me was in his supposed development record. He threw billions at his eating buddies and a paltry amount went to building roads and stuff. During my days, we ate everything! As a result of Kibaki's 'shrewed' policy, banks like Equity Bank took five years to grow to heights that government owned banks like the Kenya Commercial Bank could not in over thirty years. Instead of government tenders being awarded to government owned banks, they were awarded to Equity, to his eating buddies. It should therefore not come as a surprise that this bank’s owners and other individuals who had similarly gained from Kibaki’s government could afford to pay a million Kenyan Shillings for a plate of food to help fund the president’s re-election bid.

A president who had promised to end economic disparities had friends who could pay 1million per plate when Kenyans are sleeping hungry!Since I was sure Kibaki would protect me, I decide to campaign for him during his second bid but being the tribalist I am, I only campaigned for him in Rift Valley province because I knew as a tribal leader, only my tribe would hear me. 

But this man Agwambo is a schemer my dear Lena. Even his father could not manouvre in this manner. I had perfectly contained his father through detentions and manipulations but this man Agwambo is a different species of a politician all together. Talking of detentions, I detained one Kenneth Matiba for just two years and he came out with his wits upside down. This man Agwambo on the other hand spent eight good years in detention and came out better than he has ever been.

I was greatly perturbed when it became apparent that he was the one who was going to take over the government. Like Kibaki, I had decided to fool myself that he would not make it but after the people voted, it became clear as day that Kenyans wanted him. It was then that the reality of what was to come dawned on me my dear. Time to pay for my sins had come. We had to act fast. Luckily, Kibaki has these greedy ‘eaters’ I told you about around him and they wouldn’t let the chance to fatten slip away. And like myself, they knew only too well that the Agwambo Presidency would nail them as well, they and we would have to cough up what we stole from Kenyans. 

They therefore decided to blatantly manufacture votes for Kibaki (and people thought I was the worst) and now This man Agwambo has been stifled again.And so, my dear Lena, though our sons have been humiliated and though Rift Valley is no longer under our hold, This man Agwambo is not yet there, and should never get there.

Thanks for lending me your ear my dear wife. 

Yours,

Man Torro.

Caitani Mutharabaini! (Devil On The Cross Remixed!)

And today the biggest thieves in the country gathered in a cave at Golden Hills, Illmorog, to celebrate their latest victory and compare notes on how well each one of them stole in this latest conquest.

This big shots had made a bet that the one who would steal the most and do it most skillfully would be decorated with the second highest office in the land, the vice presidency.
Before setting off for the uphill task of stealing, they had gathered here in Illmorog, in this very cave at the heart of Golden Hills, and they had been convinced by the reigning Thief of The Year record holder that they had no option but to steal, and steal hard.
Rattling like a snake, the record holder told the thieves who had gathered then that the people of this country were tired with their stealing ways. He reminded them how this government had been busy stealing and that the people were not blind. They had seen it all and they were now ready to take the devil and crucify him on the cross. He cited a few thieving cases they had been involved in and that had incensed the people. AngloFleecing, TelkomSale, ArturMargaSargasyan, EthnoCentralism and MeChukism to mention just but a few.
You have to steal their birthright too! he thundered. The people are angry and they are now wise, they will throw us out. We therefore need to not only steal material thing from them to keep the down, we need to steal their very essence, their constitutional voice, their only voice! Our ancestors (the pioneer thieves) once said, Iba kahora uibe matiku mainge (Steal Slowly Slowly So That You Can Steal For Many Days) but these are not the ancestral days, things have changed and we have to steal big because this is our last shot at it. With that, the reigning Thief of The Year Record holder sent them off to go yonder and steal.
And today the biggest thieves in the country gathered in the very same cave at Golden Hills, Illmorog, to celebrate their latest victory and compare notes on how well each one of them stole in this latest conquest. But they were all crest-fallen. The people had greatly massacred them. Their KKK party (Kiama Kiria Kiraathana) had been slaughtered at the altar of democracy.
Nursing their wounds, they trooped back into the cave with shame hanging around their necks like a boulder, drowning them in the sea of defeat. Their biggest shame was the humiliation their commander in chief had received. He had been trounced mercilessly by the people he had betrayed for so long. His only hope came through the Reigning Thief Of The Year record holder who was now at the podium addressing the humiliated thieves.
I now understand why you people are always behind, he bellowed. You can’t steal, that’s why. Look at our people, they are the biggest thieves and they are the richest people in the land. They are represented in all cadres of theft, from pick-pocketing through bank robberies to government fleecing and vote rigging.
When we last met, he continued, I asked you to go forth and steal but you just couldn’t! Our Chief was therefore beaten in all the regions except our region. I had to do the dirty work for you and literary add figures for this win to come. Am gravely disappointed by your thieving skills.
All of you who do not come from this ethnocentralistic community and lack the skills in stealing will therefore have to undergo a specialized stealing training before being appointed to any post in this last chance we have to steal. The one who shows most promise will be given the second highest seat, now that you were all unable to steal and make our win easy. This is the last leg we are having and we can’t afford people can’t steal, he concluded.
As they walked back home, they thanked the reigning Thief of The Year record holder for saving their skin at the last minute. The people had caught the devil, flogged him and hung him on the cross but the reigning Thief of The Year had come rattling like a snake and brought the devil down from the cross, nursing him and giving him a new chance to bedevil us for five more years!