Moi's 'Pheuks!'

Dear Lena,

How is the afterlife my dear wife? I am writing you this letter because I am happy beyond words. We made it again! Sad thing is Giddy lost his seat, the rest of my people were mercilessly floored and The Rift valley rejected me. Despite all this, the man they call man Agwambo was stopped yet again.

I chose to send you this letter because I could not think of anyone else to share my predicament with. The whole world knows how aloof I was while I was still the president of Kenya. I also happened to make more enemies than friends during my tenure courtesy of my use and dump policies so I am left with no one else to talk to. Just hear me out like a friend would hear out a friend. I know you envy the way Kibaki allows his wife to talk too much and wield a lot of power and you wish I would have done the same with you but that is in the past. Let’s bury the hatchet and just hear me out.

During my tenure, some not-so-good things happened. You remember the slightly over Kshs. 100 billion that found its way into my bank accounts abroad? Some people calling themselves Kroll have sniffed this out. Had Uhuru Kenyatta, my protégé and puppet, made it to Statehouse, none of this would be worrying me.When Kibaki became president, I was so worried that he would scathingly launch an assault into my past over-indulgences. However, this man had been my vice president for ten years and there was no way he would humiliate me to that extent. He had himself dipped his hand into the candy jar while he was my vice president and all the years he had been in government since our independence. I used to bait them with this or that here or there and they were all part of my choreography. Kibaki had also sat and watched as his buddies emptied public coffers during his presidency. He therefore had to scratch my back the way he expected his to be scratched when his own retirement came.

But there is this man Agwambo. In the first place, had it not been for him, Uhuru would have been president. The whole world knows by now how he single handedly brought down KANU, a party that had for forty years ruled Kenya with impunity. Since it was he who helped Kibaki in becoming president, (Kibaki had made two miserable attempts in the past) he tried to put pressure on Kibaki to have me investigated. Kibaki on his part distanced himself from Agwambo and surrounded himself with people who were concerned with ‘eating’ as Lina Jebii Kilimo, an outgoing Member of Parliament, put it. 

Kibaki having adopted this strategy, I retired into enjoying my retirement. One area in which Kibaki managed to beat me was in his supposed development record. He threw billions at his eating buddies and a paltry amount went to building roads and stuff. During my days, we ate everything! As a result of Kibaki's 'shrewed' policy, banks like Equity Bank took five years to grow to heights that government owned banks like the Kenya Commercial Bank could not in over thirty years. Instead of government tenders being awarded to government owned banks, they were awarded to Equity, to his eating buddies. It should therefore not come as a surprise that this bank’s owners and other individuals who had similarly gained from Kibaki’s government could afford to pay a million Kenyan Shillings for a plate of food to help fund the president’s re-election bid.

A president who had promised to end economic disparities had friends who could pay 1million per plate when Kenyans are sleeping hungry!Since I was sure Kibaki would protect me, I decide to campaign for him during his second bid but being the tribalist I am, I only campaigned for him in Rift Valley province because I knew as a tribal leader, only my tribe would hear me. 

But this man Agwambo is a schemer my dear Lena. Even his father could not manouvre in this manner. I had perfectly contained his father through detentions and manipulations but this man Agwambo is a different species of a politician all together. Talking of detentions, I detained one Kenneth Matiba for just two years and he came out with his wits upside down. This man Agwambo on the other hand spent eight good years in detention and came out better than he has ever been.

I was greatly perturbed when it became apparent that he was the one who was going to take over the government. Like Kibaki, I had decided to fool myself that he would not make it but after the people voted, it became clear as day that Kenyans wanted him. It was then that the reality of what was to come dawned on me my dear. Time to pay for my sins had come. We had to act fast. Luckily, Kibaki has these greedy ‘eaters’ I told you about around him and they wouldn’t let the chance to fatten slip away. And like myself, they knew only too well that the Agwambo Presidency would nail them as well, they and we would have to cough up what we stole from Kenyans. 

They therefore decided to blatantly manufacture votes for Kibaki (and people thought I was the worst) and now This man Agwambo has been stifled again.And so, my dear Lena, though our sons have been humiliated and though Rift Valley is no longer under our hold, This man Agwambo is not yet there, and should never get there.

Thanks for lending me your ear my dear wife. 

Yours,

Man Torro.