Caitani Mutharabaini! (Devil On The Cross Remixed!)

And today the biggest thieves in the country gathered in a cave at Golden Hills, Illmorog, to celebrate their latest victory and compare notes on how well each one of them stole in this latest conquest.

This big shots had made a bet that the one who would steal the most and do it most skillfully would be decorated with the second highest office in the land, the vice presidency.
Before setting off for the uphill task of stealing, they had gathered here in Illmorog, in this very cave at the heart of Golden Hills, and they had been convinced by the reigning Thief of The Year record holder that they had no option but to steal, and steal hard.
Rattling like a snake, the record holder told the thieves who had gathered then that the people of this country were tired with their stealing ways. He reminded them how this government had been busy stealing and that the people were not blind. They had seen it all and they were now ready to take the devil and crucify him on the cross. He cited a few thieving cases they had been involved in and that had incensed the people. AngloFleecing, TelkomSale, ArturMargaSargasyan, EthnoCentralism and MeChukism to mention just but a few.
You have to steal their birthright too! he thundered. The people are angry and they are now wise, they will throw us out. We therefore need to not only steal material thing from them to keep the down, we need to steal their very essence, their constitutional voice, their only voice! Our ancestors (the pioneer thieves) once said, Iba kahora uibe matiku mainge (Steal Slowly Slowly So That You Can Steal For Many Days) but these are not the ancestral days, things have changed and we have to steal big because this is our last shot at it. With that, the reigning Thief of The Year Record holder sent them off to go yonder and steal.
And today the biggest thieves in the country gathered in the very same cave at Golden Hills, Illmorog, to celebrate their latest victory and compare notes on how well each one of them stole in this latest conquest. But they were all crest-fallen. The people had greatly massacred them. Their KKK party (Kiama Kiria Kiraathana) had been slaughtered at the altar of democracy.
Nursing their wounds, they trooped back into the cave with shame hanging around their necks like a boulder, drowning them in the sea of defeat. Their biggest shame was the humiliation their commander in chief had received. He had been trounced mercilessly by the people he had betrayed for so long. His only hope came through the Reigning Thief Of The Year record holder who was now at the podium addressing the humiliated thieves.
I now understand why you people are always behind, he bellowed. You can’t steal, that’s why. Look at our people, they are the biggest thieves and they are the richest people in the land. They are represented in all cadres of theft, from pick-pocketing through bank robberies to government fleecing and vote rigging.
When we last met, he continued, I asked you to go forth and steal but you just couldn’t! Our Chief was therefore beaten in all the regions except our region. I had to do the dirty work for you and literary add figures for this win to come. Am gravely disappointed by your thieving skills.
All of you who do not come from this ethnocentralistic community and lack the skills in stealing will therefore have to undergo a specialized stealing training before being appointed to any post in this last chance we have to steal. The one who shows most promise will be given the second highest seat, now that you were all unable to steal and make our win easy. This is the last leg we are having and we can’t afford people can’t steal, he concluded.
As they walked back home, they thanked the reigning Thief of The Year record holder for saving their skin at the last minute. The people had caught the devil, flogged him and hung him on the cross but the reigning Thief of The Year had come rattling like a snake and brought the devil down from the cross, nursing him and giving him a new chance to bedevil us for five more years!